BEVERLY HILLS—God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Florida police found a hundred dead pythons on the floor of a woman’s mansion in exclusive Jupiter Thursday. Also a guy in Houston shot himself thinking he was taking a selfie. Someday Donald Trump may leave us for a younger, prettier country, but he’ll never find one with bigger boobs.
NFL free-agent quarterback Colin Kaepernick remained unsigned Friday, sparking stories he’s been blacklisted for kneeling during the National Anthem. He can always play in the Canadian Football League. The only time that Canadians kneel for the national anthem is if they drop the bottle opener.
Congress passed a bill allowing Internet service providers to sell your web data without your permission to advertisers Wednesday. Yesterday, the NSA posted an onscreen notice to millions of laptops in the U.S. It read, We haven’t seen porn on your computer in three days, are you still alive?
The House Intelligence Committee broke into civil war Thursday over GOP Chairman Nunes receiving intel on the White House grounds. The two parties exchanged fire all day. Congress only works eight days in April, but they still get their full salary under the Americans with No Abilities Act.
The London Daily Mail reported that British Prime Minister Theresa May signed Article Fifty Wednesday and submitted the formal paperwork to EU headquarters in Brussels. She announced the news that England is leaving the European Union. You guessed it, they’re relocating to Las Vegas.
New Scientist reported surgeons transplanted a monkey’s head in hoped-for progress in brain and head transplantation. The human brain is amazing. The brain works twenty-four hours a day, every minute of every day from the time you exit the womb till the moment you enter the voting booth.
President Trump interrupted Melania’s appearance at a Women’s Empowerment Forum last week. He jokingly asked the female audience if they ever heard of Susan B. Anthony. If Charlie Sheen runs for president in three years, he’ll be dismissed as too bland and predictable by today’s standards.
Democrats celebrated Mike Flynn’s offer to testify about the Trump campaign’s connection to Russia in exchange for immunity. The Dems think the Intel Committee can turn Trump’s election into an O.J. Simpson trial re-run. Think of how tiny the glove would have to be to acquit the president.
The Hollywood Reporter noted conservative complaints about late-night talk show hosts. Their monologue jokes indicate they are left-wing evangelists preaching to the choir. The biggest disaster of the Trump Administration is the number of really funny comics we’ve lost to political commentary.
USA Today reported a survey revealing that seventy percent of Americans now own and operate their own smart phone. Apple revealed plans to roll out its new iPhone. Samsung unveiled its new Smartphone Eight on Thursday before a cheering crowd at the San Diego Hand Grenade Convention.
Housing and Urban Development Secretary Dr. Ben Carson vowed to help Americans achieve the dream of home ownership. He’s a renowned brain surgeon. If you have a problem with your mortgage that worries you, Dr. Carson can give you a lobotomy so you won’t have to worry so much.
Mexican cocaine kingpin Juan El Chapo Guzman’s defense lawyers protested Friday about jail conditions. He was recently extradited to the U.S. from Mexico. The attorneys are desperately trying to have El Chapo’s trial held in Los Angeles, where he can be tried by a jury of his customers.
Jerry Brown lobbied newspaper editors hard Thursday to support more tax hikes. Yesterday a new tax added two bucks to every pack of cigarettes, bringing each pack to nearly ten dollars. It’s taken thirty years of tax hikes, but California legislators have finally managed to make crack cost effective.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at [email protected]